Score: 10

"Isn't the point kinda "I made a surrealist film?""

submission: L'Amour de Rasputin

date: August 8, 2009

This actually reminded me of that "Independent Film" music video on HomestarRunner dotcom. You should check it out if you're into surrealism. Although technically I guess it has a point, it basically tells the story of StrongSad trying to make a mind-blowing surreal film using a variety of no-budget filmmaking techniques so it's technically not itself surrealist. But it includes several nods to Dziga Vertov and Salvador Dali, so you can see the influence there.

This brings me to my point, though. Isn't it impossible to make a surrealist film if all you're doing is copying previous surrealist films, down to the limitations of the technologies used at the time? (Black and white, sepia tone, simulated film artifacts.) In my mind, it's too iconic... people look at this, they are reminded of Salvador Dali, even if they're only passingly familiar with the reference.

Basically Salvador Dali is too much of a cultural icon for a derivative work to still be surrealist. For a *truly* surrealist flash cartoon, you'd want one of those looping songs by TheWeebl, or maybe one of those gibberish random cartoons griefers change their submission to after it passes judgement. Those cartoons are more random and nonsensical than this.

The point of this is obvious: copying Dali.

Ceci n'est pas une caricature surréaliste, as it were.

I hope you get a good grade. It's obvious you learned a lot about surrealism in your class. I just feel like the way you went about it kinda misses the mark. You should try applying the *concept* of surrealism to a flash cartoon using modern techniques and imagery.

Copy the *spirit* of surrealism, not just the look & feel.

That said, you put work into this and it shows. Good job on your project; good luck with your future works. :D

Score: 7

"If Kevin Smith were a 12 year old boy..."

submission: BlownOutOfProportion4 (2)

date: August 7, 2009

I was prepared to write this off as just 2 minutes of jokes strung together with 20 minutes worth of f-bombs, until the sex scene. Now I have to acknowledge that, if nothing else, this series is pretty fucked up!

Pavel starts off in familiar SouthPark-esque territory of kids telling each other "fuck shit damn cock," but then it turns out they're not screwing around. They don't just talk the talk; Apparently the kids in the BOOP universe actually *do* the shit teenagers talk about. And then some!

I'm... not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, actually. If this were live-action movie like American Pie, it would be totally fine because 16 is legal in some states and they're all played by 25 year old actors and actresses, anyway. (And the nudity would actually be titillating.) The fact that it looks like it was drawn, voiced, and written by a 12 year old boy only makes things creepier. I have no idea what an audience of actual 12 year olds would make of this, but speaking as an adult, I feel confused and violated. Maybe that was the intention.

This movie stomps mah ta-meters!

It's hard for me to dismiss the movie as a whole, though, because right at the end, there, it managed to do something rare these days and rarer still on Newgrounds-- it actually pushes the envelope further than society's used to. And it does so un-self-consciously, as if just putting something disgusting on the screen wasn't even the main goal, but just a side-note in a much larger narrative.

Holy shit. Something on Newgrounds was actually edgy! (As opposed to just tossing around the word edgy to mean "we copied something that was offensive in 1985 and popular in 1990 but is now trite and cliche'," which is what most of the "edgy" content on Newgrounds does.)

As disturbing as the sex scene was, though, it's hard to know what to make of it. Absolutely nothing about the sex scene was actually portrayed as sexy, and without knowing the true limits of this artist's skill, I think this was intentional. The writing supports it. This wasn't intended to titillate. The sex scene does not share the same brain space as porn or erotica. It's awkward, gross, and weird, even putting aside the fact that the participants are apparently underage.

Was this a clever device to force the viewer into a mental state as uncomfortable and awkward as one's actual puberty? Or just an attempt to one-up the usual NG dick and fart jokes? Or, god help us, maybe this is the unabashed literal truth of our nation's public school system, extrapolated to its logical conclusion. I hope it hasn't come to this. Hope it never will. But what the fuck would I know? It's been years since high school.

There are different levels of exaggeration. Different places you take an audience depending on whether your goal is to inform, entertain, shock, mock, titillate, or persuade. I'm not sure where the author is going with this, but it feels like mostly pure shock with just a hint of social satire.

But after a long, slow, boring 35-minute start, it suddenly goes absolutely batshit insane in the last five minutes. Episode 2 ends in a very fucked-up place. I find myself actually curious as to where it goes next. But at the same time, I don't wanna over-analyze Episode 2 too much, because I think the writers are still discovering what they want to do with this series. Episode 1 was pretty boring, once you get over the sheer level of consistent effort it must have taken to put together... but what's next?

This is something strange. A tired old formula which unexpectedly veers into territory so unfamiliar, so utterly wrong, yet at the same time so true to itself, it's hard to shake the feeling that there's something deeper going on under the surface. I want to wait for this series to blossom before I dismiss it entirely. Because it might just have something to teach us. About the teenage experience, about life itself, about what it means to be human.

That or it'll be replaced with a picture of a clown with a rotating dick tomorrow.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Score: 2

"Insert coin not to die."

submission: Splitty Adventures 1

date: July 29, 2009

This is basically not a game, but a very elaborate donation button. You'll get as far as stage 3, then you need to get an account and convert your real money into some kinda fake money in order to buy the *entirely necessary* double-split power-up in order to advance. You can't turn 180 degrees with 8 splits. You just can't.

I guess everyone wants to invent the next new business model that looks free but secretly wrings money out of you. I don't think this approach is the next big thing, though. It basically combines all the "surprise you don't actually have the whole game" annoyingess of shareware with the nickel-and-dime-you-to-death annoyingness of MMORPGs, without the positive value-to-the-consumer of either business model. (Making a one-time payment to own the whole game, and being able to show off your lewt to other players, respectively.)

Anyway, there's an actual game lurking underneath the horrible business model. It seems like a novel, but simple casual game with adequate vector graphics, inspired design, and a single innovative and elegant core mechanic. Basically everything a good Flash game could aspire to... and basically what you get for free constantly every day here on Newgrounds anyway. It's just too bad the gamersafe bullshit killed it for me.

I get that the author needs to make money somehow. I can appreciate that it's a balancing act of trying to wring fifty bucks out of a Mochi ad here and there. I get that a combined business model of click-throughs, donations, ads, and optional extras makes sense. I just don't appreciate a game that pretends it's free and then asks for my credit card info part way through.

No, I take that back. Even shareware is fine, as long as it says on the title screen, "this is shareware." What I have a problem with is throwing an impossible challenge at the player, and then burying a menu with the power-up in it, as if to say "Oh by the way if you want to not fail, you'll need 100 GamerGold." I don't even know how much 100 GamerGold costs, and frankly, I don't want to know. This business model frustrates and infuriates me to the point where I'd rather spend $20 on a game whose creators have the guts to just TELL me up front that it's for sale, than to spend fifty cents worth of GamerGold and risk encouraging more of this crap in the future.

You buy into this crap now, a year from now every single game on Newgrounds is gonna have some impossible bullshit level you can't get past without spending money. Think about that.

Based on graphics, gameplay, and length, this game actually is worth a lot more than the 2/10 I gave it. How much more? In order to find out, the author of this game needs to send me 100 GamerGold, 500 GamerPoints, and an apology for wasting my time. Then we can talk real scores for a real game.

Score: 10

"Wait, which part was supposed to be ironic?"

submission: Culture Clubbing

date: July 20, 2009

Gotta love that opening sequence. :D I've always been a little confused by this series, though. First you make fun of anime, then you make fun of some kinda cold-war era propaganda the like of which nobody actually produces anymore, but that part's so badly done, it's almost like you're making fun of newgrounds parodies for being outdated, full of bad info, and culturally irrelevant.

I mean, don't American corporations make a lot of money off of repackaging and marketing those anime shows? Don't we censor, mis-translate, and mutilate most of them until they're a mostly-homogenized post-melting-pot American rendition of the original show? Don't a lot of the OAVs which are big sellers in America tend to come from Japanese studios whose main market and target audience is the U.S.?

It's like the author picked a random point of view that sounded bad and ascribed it to "Capitalism," without any real clear idea of what he was trying to say. It's like a straw man argument of a straw man argument. I'm not defending the vaguely-defined corporate interests the show seems to be arguing against, I'm just trying to figure out why Captain Capitalism seems to favor the interests of a few American corporations over the interests of a few *other* American corporations.

It *feels* like a politically-charged parody, but there's no substance to it. It's basically the artist rubbing two Straw Men together. The stuff said by the title character has no value. I don't mean he's wrong, I mean it is of null value. It's not good or bad, it's just... floog. So it's hard to either agree with or disagree with any of the participants or with the outcome of the show itself.

A good parody makes you feel either outrage or gleeful vindication, depending on whether or not you agree with the thing being mocked. This parody didn't really do that for me, because I can't imagine anyone making those arguments and seriously meaning them. Maybe a time traveller from like 1975, or something. But how would that guy have even heard of anime, and why would modern kids take him seriously?

Why would modern audiences find him funny?

I ask myself that a lot when a new episode of this series comes out.

Or maybe that's the whole point. Maybe it's supposed to be one of those fish-out-of-water cartoons, like Office Spider, or Warbot in Accounting. But since the kids act like he belongs there, it doesn't quite work on that level, either. There's no point of reference... no "normal" point of view to compare the wacky ones against.

Heh. "Dear Captain Capitalism, your show desperately needs a straight man. Love WarpZone." That would go over well.

You can't deny the obvious quality here, I just wish I could follow the writing, because it would be a lot more fun if it were funny. Oooh. A horrifying thought occurs... maybe Brad lives somewhere where people actually make arguments like this and mean them... Is that even possible? Does such a place still exist in America? Hell, these days, even Texas knows better... right?

Score: 8

"Wait for it..."

submission: ABunchofNESsedUpCrap 2

date: March 4, 2009

I thought the jokes were a little thin, especially near the beginning, but the Luigi Shoryuken Overkill made it all worthwhile. :D Definitely make moar!

The Easter Eggs were hilarious, but... how can I put this? The difficulty on them is broken. StrongBad only makes you wait like 20 seconds to see an easter egg, you know? They were both awesome scenes, though. I just wish they were a little more accessible.

Believe it or not, I've actually heard of Metal Storm! When I was a goddamned little boy, like twelve or some shit, I had a subscription to Nintendo Power magazine. I used to get all excited when the new issue would arrive. I'd spend a couple days digesting every article and dream of all the cool games I knew my parents couldn't afford to get me. Anywho, one month the cover was Metal Storm.

It wasn't until years later I actually got to play it on an emulator. So they do those on a website now, huh? Interesting.

Anyway, good flash. Keep 'em coming. :) It's nice to see the younger generation taking an interest in all the oldschool shit.

Score: 7

"Not too shabby. :)"

submission: Why cant i? sonic and amy

date: February 25, 2009

The style was a little rough, but it had its moments. Particularly the starry sky. I don't know if I would have put in that one animation frame from the Sonic anime. I think it would have been better off all scribbles, all the way through. Super-Sonic taking off was a nice touch, too.

It's encouraging to see an Amy Rose flash on newgrounds that tells her side of the story. Too many flashes abuse her IMHO. This felt very true to her character. Good job.

Score: 10

"Ahh, fresh, locally-grown nostalgia..."

submission: Castlevania SOTN vs RoR

date: December 22, 2008

In general, I like sprite movies more the less they break with the established mechanics of the original game. So the swordplay and whip-play was perfect, grabbing Richter was great, throwing the shield, less-so. Though, I suppose SOTN makes liberal use of rotation so it's not *too* jarring. Overall I was impressed with some of the special effects here. You really nailed the blood, holy water, and statue break-out, I felt like.

In terms of scripting and staging, it was a great success. You used the limited (and somewhat questionable) sound bytes from the original game to fairly decent effect. In any case, it felt slightly less forced than it sounds when you're playing the game. It's those pauses for player input, I think. They really do break the flow.

I thought the choreography was pretty good, actually, the one exception being Richter's knife attack when it hits Alucard. That and I might have made him crouch while riding the chunk of masonry down into the pit below, because then you could have made his cape pillow in the wind. :)

But yeah, most of the choreography actually made me think this is the way the characters from the game would fight. I liked the close-up combat the best, because without any cheap tricks like rotating the characters unnaturally, you managed to make it look like a real close-up rapid-fire kung-fu fest.

Granted, it wasn't the single most awesome sprite combat sequence I've ever seen on Newgrounds, no, but it did manage to avoid a lot of the really stupid cheap hacks (vector blood, constant character rotation for no reason, general fake-ness,) that ruin 90% of sprite movies for me.

So yeah. Good effort, good production values, reasonably like the game to fulfill nostalgia purposes without breaking the fourth wall too often, yet decently more involved and integrated than actual video game footage. Overall, nice work, and if we are indeed at the forefront of another sprite movement, I look forward to seeing more works at least this good.

Score: 10

"Way better than it has any right to be."

submission: War of Da suitcases

date: December 22, 2008

For some reason I found this hilarious. Probably just as a byproduct of the automatic timing. Some frames, it was a bit of a strain to read the text that quickly, but hey, it worked for Yahtzee.

Even though I have no idea who these characters are and there's not much we (the audience) could learn about them in the space of a few seconds, the drawings allowed a bit of personality to shine through, and there's a certain "party of four" element introduced by giving each of the characters equal screen time and probably reenforced by the big band music playing in the background.

Hastily-scribbled stick figures usually won't get you much here on Newgrounds, but for some reason, I'm seeing quite a few good ones today. Hmm. Budding artistic movement? Or reviewer just in a good mood? YOU DECIDE!

One suggestion, don't try to animate things like the missiles impacting one by one. At one frame per second, it'll never look like real animation. Just treat it like a comic book, showing one panel of the shot firing and one panel from a completely different angle of the shot hitting. If you absolutely *must* show a sequence of several frames, make sure the cloud of smoke from the initial explosion looks much different from the pillar of smoke rising from the dead tank.

Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward to the next one. :)

Score: 10

"It's less creepy if you forget it's on Newgrounds."

submission: Boogley Bus Stop

date: November 24, 2008

Normally I'm all about story, especially on Newgrounds, but I'll settle for characterization as long as the execution's good. Almost anything FBF is good, as long as it's not dots and lines bouncing around, splashes, and explosions. Thankfully, this cartoon has actual cartoon in it.

More than anything it reminds me of those very early Mickey Mouse cartoons, where walking and smiling were enough because animation itself was an amazing new innovation. You'd think that would make it too derivative to be relevant, but we seriously see so little of this oldschool stuff on NG, and it takes so much more work than what we normally see on NG, that everything old is new again. This toon gains relevance simply by rediscovering and reinventing an archaic form.

To those who don't get it: it ain't rocket science. There's a pissed-off guy and a happy guy. The happy guy wants to cheer the pissed-off guy up. The pissed-off guy isn't having any of it, on account of bein' pissed off. Happy guy pranks pissed-off guy. Pissed-off takes the bait, then gets hurt reacting to the prank. Happy guy goes "ohshitohshitohshit" and bugs out. Pissed-off guy recovers from his spill, realizes he got pranked, and laughs it off. He turns pink because now he's happy, too. Happy guy realizes he not only accomplished his mission of cheering pissed-off-guy up, but also pissed-off-guy will not kick his ass for the prank that got him hurt. "Whew."

Yeah, I was rubbed the wrong way at first just like everybody else. I thought he was gonna be ghey, or the blue guy was gonna murder him in a shower of blood, or it was just crazy random abstract weirdness and the suitcase was gonna start eating people, then turn into a bird, then the bird would splash against the floor, rendering everything we'd seen up till that point completely irrelevant. That's the cynicism of the modern internet talking.

What really makes this film uplifting is, when it's over, -and I mean *only* when it's over- you realize that there wasn't anything dark or pithy about it after all, it's just the story of a dude trying to cheer up a stranger. It's an isle of child-like innocence in a sea of dick jokes.

That's my interpretation of it, anyway. That's the nice thing about mood pieces, everyone can interpret them however they like. Don't get it? Erase your assumptions and expectations and watch it again. Try to look at it from an outsider's point of view. Even just read other peoples' interpretations and try them on to see if they work for you. But never take anyone's word for it, what a piece means, not even the original artist. Art *always* has something hidden to teach us.

Okay so you get some pork chops from the store. These are real thick pork chops that have been cut most of the way through the middle, like little raw pork sandwiches. You need a big, deep skillet with a glass lid that locks in most of the steam. Heat the skillet up to high, throw a little butter in the pan, and put the pork chops in (still folded like little sandwiches,) and sizzle them on both sides for 1-2 minutes. Just enough to get the outside golden-brown. Put these on a plate when they're done and set aside. DON'T eat 'em yet, raw pork is BAD for you!

Now you make a cup of chicken stock from bullion in one pot and some stove top stuffing in another. (Chicken stock from the store works, too.) Stuff each of the butterflied pork chops with stuffing, like little inside-out sandwiches. Stick a toothpick through all the way through each sandwich to hold it together while cooking.

Now you put the leftover stuffing in the skillet, put the stuffed porkchops on top of that, and pour the chicken broth over the whole thing. (Hope your skillet is big enough to hold all this shit.) Now put the lid on, and steam the porkchops for like an hour on medium-low heat. Steaming not only cooks the insides of the pork chops, but it softens up all that golden-brown char so you get the taste but not the toughness. Cut through the pork to make *absolutely sure* it's cooked all the way through. Serve.

Score: 7

"Not a defense game. No ads. Otherwise fine."

submission: Defense of Mochiads

date: November 4, 2008

This is a solid effort from an up-and-coming flash developer. It's not really a defense game. It's more of a side-scrolling shooter with advancement elements taken from MMORPGs. The gameplay works well, mechanically, though there is still room for improvement.

The only real glitch I could see was with the health bar. It was larger than the frame for it and I couldn't die. I assume the health is expressed as an integer, game tried to subtract a higher number from the health than was there, it went lower than zero, and as a result the integer value wrapped around to the highest possible value and now I can't be killed. Try expressing the health as an integer that can include negative numbers, and instead of

if (health==0){ gameOver();)

use

if(health <= 0){ health = 0; gameOver(); }

That should prevent that kind of problem from re-occurring, if it's caused by what I think it is.

Overall, this is a solid early effort. I'd like to see enemies that do different things based on their appearance, difficulty that advances automatically, more stuff going on at once (good things to collect, not just bad things to avoid,) more levels, bosses, and generally more content. Also, it's a good idea not to split up the control between the keyboard and mouse if the keyboard already uses two hands.

This is great for an early game, though. We all start with tutorials. I look forward to seeing what Sparkplug90 brings us in the future as he hones his craft.