Literally peak comedy. As in most of the jokes were about a microphone peaking.

Does anyone know of a 3D PC video game with this kind of distorted camera? It looks really cool and different.

No ear wiggle?

//Initialize Expectations
game.quality = vampire_survivors.quality;
game.graphics.style = graphics.BLENDER_LOWBIT
game.graphics.quality = MID_QUALITY
if(music.volume > 0){
music.quality = MEDIUM_HIGH_QUALITY
} else {
musician = "VA-11 HALL-A - Second Round [Full Album]"
music.quality = HIGH_QUALITY
}

print("Hey, everyone. Warpzone here! And welcome to my review of Picayune Dreams on Newgrounds!");
print("The first and most important thing you need to know about this game is that you should NEVER play it on Newgrounds.");
print("The free demo on Steam, availible from the link in the description, adds several key features.");
print("Such as the ability to see the whole screen at the same time,");
print("and the ability to hear the music over the sound of your computer's fans.");
print("If only the developer had given us some indication...);
print("Oh.");
print("Well, I guess that's what I get for skipping past the title screen.");

//Try out the different weapons
switch (weapon)
{
case: halo

DoConfuseWithAngelWings();
game.quality -=1;

case: angel_wings
while (enemy_distance > close_enough_to_kill_you )
enemy_distance -=1;
} else {
DieBecauseYourWeaponWontFire();
game.quality -=5;
}

case: chainbelt
if (chainbelt_damage < garlic_damage)
{
game.quality -= ( garlic_damage - chainbelt_damage);
}

case: radio_transmitter
return;

default:
if(stage > 2){
game.enemySpeed.randomize();
}
}

//Thanks to milkypossum for helping me with my switch statements. I've always struggled with pseudocode, mostly because I can never find the documentation for it online.

if (fullscreen == true){
if(played_on_newgrounds) {fullscreen = false;}
}

print("Hey, everyone. Max0r here! And welcome back to my Hacknet letsplay.");
print("The second thing you need to know about this game is how to plug in your controller.");
print("No, seriously. Playing with a controller unlocks several key features not availible without one.);
print("Features such as discovering that the game only seems hard because you've been suffering from a disability all this time.);
print("Press the right thumbstick to diagnose yourself.");
print("Then bask in the thrill of playing video games at an average level of skill for the first time in your life.");
print("It's not cheating. It's called using the accessibility options.);
print("Of course, like anyone overcoming a disability, you will need to adjust your quality-of-life espectations.);
print("To zero. Because this game doesn't DO quality-of-life.");

if (fullscreen == false && playerYmovement != 0){
CollideWithEnemyYouDidntEvenSee();
game.quality -= 100;
DownloadSteamDemo();
}

print("There wre two main categories of equippable upgrades: weapons that put more projectiles on the screen, and memes.");
print("You WILL die. A lot. And it won't always feel like it's your fault.");
print("This is intentional. Dying a lot is just central to the intended game experience.");
print("I suppose that's what happens when you balance your difficulty curve using an aimbot.");
print("Unfortunately, I found that even with my gamer skills artifically inflated to the level of a baseline human, I still struggled to complete basic game tasks.");
print("Tasks such as "Enter level 3" or "Collect all of the numbers.");

//Make obvious comparisons
game_quality += (game.characters.count - vampire_survivors.characters.count);

if (game.Contains(FiveNightsAtFreddysLore) ){
game.quality += 50;
action.Stop();

if(action.IsStopped){
game_quality -= 51;
}
}

print("The game features colorful interactions with many fascinating characters.");
print("Such as a cartoon rabbit that tells knock-knock jokes,");
print("and a second character.");
print("All of this to gradually reveal an in-depth narrative about sisyphean legalized slavery and state-funded drug abuse.")
print("So, basically a typical dayjob if you were born after 1980.");
print("The struggle is real.");
print("Trust me, it's non-addictive.);

//Complain that the game's too hard
if(first_boss_attack_phase == 3){
DieUnlessYouUseTheBlackHoleTheGameNeverTellsYouHowToUse();
game.quality -= 1000;
}

//Complain about crashes/bugs
if (stage == orchid_sleep){
BlackScreenOfDeath();
game.quality -= 10000;
}

print("I would not call this game 'fun.' I personally struggle to understand why I've played it so much.");
print("But that's probably because I personally struggle to understand how anything works in this game.");
print("Mentally choosing to believe that you have a plan somehow causes you to die.");
print("Frankly, I don't understand how they implemented this feature. But I'm glad that indie devs got to it before Big Tech.");

//Rate game w/overall score
if (game.quality < vampire_survivors.quality){
game.quit();
}

if(still_reading_this_review = true){
// I'm a little surprised nobody called me on this boolean assignment typo. I decided to keep the bug in, since it literally forces people to read this far in the review. You might call that nonsense, but it worked on you.
psuedo-code_conceit.worth_it = false;
DoBlameNewgroundsForBreakingWhitespace();
}

print("In conclusion, if you must play this, play it using the Steam demo.");
print("And try to remind yourself to come back up for air occasionally.");
print("Otherwise, like the game's protagonist, you might find yourself unable to stop playing.");
print("Freebasing health upgrades and Black Hole drills, until you literally min-max yourself to death.");
print("It's not a bug. It's a statement on the healthcare industry.");

if(devs_respond_in_kind == true){
game.quality++;
begrudgedly = true;
}

print("Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play Holocure, so I can complain that the Yagoo spam at the end is too easy.");

if(addicted_to_steam_demo_anyway){
game.quality = int(float(MAX_INT) * 0.8);
}

Cool concept but it punishes noob players who don't understand what the words mean before they spend resources and pollute their deck with unplayable cards. Literally everything in the game needs respec buttons because none of these things work the way a new player expects them to, based on the description.

Most upgrades are traps.

It feels like one of those deliberately painful pay-to-win games, except you can't even pay to win! You just have to suck, make permanent mistakes that ruin your deck, and lose. One of the enemies moves so fast they literally teleport past your towers between shots. You'd think the way to play around it would be to build more towers or upgrade the reload speed or something, but none of these work! No idea what the game wants me to do about it. Sink two different types of micro-transaction currency into upgrading the temple's health, I suppose. Thanks but no thanks.

Overall: it's 2005's core mechanics with 2020's mobile games mentality. They haven't implemented the cash shop yet. But don't worry! I'm sure it's coming!

Tell you what dev, when you finally put the cash shop in and let us buy mana gems and fucking origami birds or whatever, I promise, I'll deduct two stars from my review score. :D

Okay, I'm just going to say it. The game is too hard. I managed to progress, but it's too hard. Let me explain:

You shouldn't need to buy an upgrade to be able to one-shot the weakest popcorn in the game. I kept dying over and over again on the third room. Because I kept entering the third room with zero extra health. Because I kept taking two hits in the second room. Because the second room throws 9 popcorn and 2 area-denial mines, all at you at the same time, when it's literally only your second room!

Then I figured out that the embarrassing pile of un-collectable money that was accumulating in the third room was actually something I could recreate in the first room. Then I figured out instead of letting it pile up on the floor, I could just clear the first room, hold R, repeat until you reach the arbitrary "Pay $50 to not suck" threshold.

And my question is, why? Why make me jump through all those hoops in order to unlock the controls the game was actually balanced around? Why make grinding this unpleasant and awkward and forced if you're also going to REQUIRE grinding just to get past the third room?

There's some other minor things you could tweak, like replacing the mouse cursor with a targeting reticle so you can then disable OS-level mouse-smoothing and use raw mouse inputs instead, or making sure that when you switch from keyboard and mouse to controller and back again, it actually uses the aiming method of the new controller, not the old one. But those are just polish.

My main problem with the game right now is the same problem plaguing a lot of FPS games with RPG elements shoehorned into them in the mid-2000s: it means you don't start off playing a good game. You start off playing a shit game that turns good if you pump enough upgrade points into it. That's stupid.

Balance the starting areas for the starting weapon. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Awesome loop, reminds me of Parasite Eve 1.

...and frankly, that's all it takes to please me. :) Great job.

Great happy NG fodder. :)

Nice. :) I like the melody, and the way you wove it into a larger work. The techno mumbo-jumbo that kicks in around 1:10 is nice and smooth because it's just what's expected. The same goes for the sudden quiet purity around 1:45. 2:00's almost a little too slow, but then it picks up again and the beat is great from there on out. All things considered, a nice perky techno song with some cheerful acoustic piano. Great for the credits in one of those epic clock crew blockbusters they release once in a while, or just a shiny pick-me-up on your playlist.

I barely ever rate Art, but this thumbnail just CALLED to me. Gorgeously rendered, on-model, and gameplay-accurate, with a touch of whimsy that really gels with watercolor, as a medium. I can't think of a single thing that would improve this piece. Gorgeous.

You should totally do Legend of Mana. Maybe Darkstalkers, if you feel like it. They both have watercolor official art. I could also see Metal Slug or Gunstar Heroes looking great rendered like this, but now I'm just saying "literally any sprite-based video game."

It's the flared nostrils for me. XD

Gorgeous Phanto tribute! I hope everyone's ready for that Mario Maker 2 update...