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What Fucks Me Off In Modern Gaming What Fucks Me Off In Modern Gaming

Rated 4 / 5 stars

Wait, you made a Flash cartoon.

That means you already own a computer.

Why the fuck are you trying to play videogames on your Netflix Machine?

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COAEM responds:

well the xbox one is the best in future TV....Yeah I use a laptop for my videos i probablely couldn't even run undertale on this badboy

The 5 stages of Work Loss The 5 stages of Work Loss

Rated 5 / 5 stars

You forgot Stage 6:

Make the whole damned thing again from scratch in half the time, and wonder why it took you so long the first time. ;)

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Good Citizen Good Citizen

Rated 2.5 / 5 stars

I don't get it. Are you mocking conspiracy theorists or sincerely criticising the powers that be?

If you're criticizing the government and capitalism, why the flouride rage? Are you literally a time traveller from the year 1940? Because you would almost have to be to still be genuinely afraid of water fluoridation in the year 2013. It's just a fluorine ion. We understand how it interacts with organic and inorganic compounds. We've been doing the experiment for decades, and the result is weak-to-moderately strong evidence that it does exactly what it says on the tin: an overall reduction in caries and sometimes cosmetic white streaks on the teeth. You can have health problems if they fuck up the dosage, of course, but that's also true of oxygen, water, and carbon. You might as well try to ban hydrogen hydroxide if you're worried about water fluoridation.

If, on the other hand, you're just mocking anyone who hates the government, why the somber tone and the links in the Author's Comments? You make some legitimate points in the video, if a little hyperbolic.

You can't honestly believe that the government is organized enough and good enough at keeping a secret to cause a car crash to happen every time somebody complains. There'd be way more suspicious car crashes if that were the case. They would have single-handedly put Detroit back on the map just buying enough American-made cars just to run over all the Occupy Wall Street Guys.

And, no, you can't just use the South Park Defense of "it's parody!" In order for your parody to actually mean something, you the author must have an actual opinion. No, "everybody's stupid except me" doesn't count. You have to actually believe in SOMETHING is true, and you have to have the balls to defend that position publicly. You can't just make a cartoon with both sides of the issue stylized to the point of being barely recognizable but obviously hyperbolic, and then shrug and go "it's parody." You can't leave the author's position open to interpretation, as if to create a work that opinionated people of all stripes and creeds can scratch their heads and go "well, I GUESS this is making fun of the other guys."

Now, having said that, a truly well-executed parody could conceivably obfuscate your intent with layers of sarcasm and meta-narrative, but doing so requires way more deliberate effort and cleverness than I'm seeing here. This just looks like you googled "arguments against capitalism" and then went "how can I draw that?" Or more like "how would an extremely unoriginal newspaper political cartoonist circa 1960-1980 draw that?" I mean you even put the little signs on symbols so we would know what they stood for.

I really lost my shit when you brought out the camera fat kid though. What task is this abomination of science meant to perform, exactly, that it does so "more efficiently" than the living fat kid? And what the fuck was with the ending after that? OMG, the government-created camera cyborg stopped recording me, and shut down, and then started recording me again, only this time it was RED! And then the black hands that can kill with a single finger suddenly need like four entire hands just to stop ME from watching the camera foorage of the camera cyborg that's watching the camera that's recording all of this... oh, FUCK IT. This isn't deep. This is not depth. It's barely even symbolism. It's just the most ham-handed imagery you could come up with to depict systemic corruption, and it's clear that you put way more thought into making the hands look all nasty and badass and timing everything with the music properly than in actually having an original political thought or suggesting anything even approaching a solution.

Lack of due vigilance is not the problem here! We are EVER so fucking vigilant these days! Everybody has a camera in their phone! The NSA has all our data but we produce so GODDAMNED much of the stuff that they can't parse it! Meanwhile for every service like Google that turns over our data, a new one springs up that doesn't store any data in the first place!

For fucks sake, we marched on the banks. We elected a black president. Do you think all of this happened in a vaccuum? Do you think social and political change is EASY? That all it takes is INTENT to get results? You chastize us to "fix the cause, not just the symptom," but I notice that you are conspicuously silent about what this magical cause is.

Do you imagine that there actually IS some singular, malevolent, direct CAUSE of all evil in the world? An actual man made of inky black magic, held together with money and covered in spikes, that secretly makes all the decisions in the world while you and me stand by silently and twiddle our thumbs? What's his NAME? Where does he fucking LIVE? You might as well try to convince people to march on Hell and shoot the Devil in the face while you're at it. That was not a metaphor for some politics guy or another, by the way, I am talking about the actual THE DEVIL the devil. Like, from the bible. Shadowy Government Hand is just about as real as the Devil.

The reality is, the government AND businesses are ENTIRELY composed of ORDINARY HUMAN BEINGS just trying to get by. The People will revolt when The People HAVE ALWAYS revolted all throughout human history: When they reach their last straw, or when they have no other option. We're not there yet. I hope we never will be again.

But no, that doesn't mean we're stuck in an inevitable decline, forever under The Man's thumb until he fucks it up and we have a big violent revolution that drastically changes who the privelaged fuckers are couple of decades. Even in times of peace, there's ALWAYS somebody trying to make things BETTER, even with rich fucks running the world.

The Arab Spring happened. The Internet happened. A Black President happened. Contrary to some peoples opinions, the world did not stop spinning in the year 1970. My generation did things, and we attempted even more things than we accomplished. Fuck you for insinuating otherwise.

You wanna change the world, hotshot? Find a fucking cause. But don't bitch to me about how "nobody's doing anything about the nondescript corruption" just because we're not all out throwing rocks at riot cops. Just what exactly do you expect us to accomplish by getting arrested?

Wow, that post got away from me. Probably a lot of misdirected rage at your cartoon that was intended for an idiot professor at the local community college. I'm sorry man. Bottom line: The arc of history is long, but it trends towards justice. Progress is marked by funerals, not by births. We are doing the best we can with the tools and resources we have. If you have a better idea, I'd like to hear it. But don't just bitch about "complacency." I am not complacent. Do I fucking sound complacent? This is not what complacency looks like.

Nice use of inbetweens, and I really liked that lense flare at the end.

KiWiArts responds:

I wish you would have used the time you put into using up all the precious review space, to read any of my previous statements. Further I would recommend you to ‘bitch about‘(as you would say) your personal problems to a friend or family member than rather pulling the short into it.
You would be surprised but this short and any artistic content on this site is NOT just for YOU and only YOU created. So don’t have the ignorant nerve that I’m only addressing you personally.
I applaud you if you‘re really as big a real life activist as you are a keyboard hero.
But to put words in my mouth or making a fare fetched statement about my true intend are just plain stupid.

Let’s make it clear, you’re entitled to your opinion and only yours on how you interpret the short. So don’t think that your interpretation is definitive for everyone.
Beside you should check on your so check on your facts about Fluoride helping against caries. The only ‘proof’ they come up so fare is that it creates a 6nm layer on your teeth which is literary no protection from caries or anything. And why? Because there isn’t any ground for the statement, no matter how long you search for it.
To all your other complains, do yourself and us the favor to read my other statements first.
Sorry I won’t spend any more time with to feed your egotism. I got no respect for anyone who can’t keep his personal problems out of a discussion which has nothing to do with this.

Thanks for basing your score not only on your opinion on the subject though.

Recent Game Reviews

Jack Septic Eye in The Evie Agenda Jack Septic Eye in The Evie Agenda

Rated 0.5 / 5 stars

You can't just say "It's like some other game nobody's ever heard of." I'll bet that other game actually said what the goal of the game was, or at least taunted you with deliberately misleading clues in order to mess with the player's head while they figured it out. Your game just tells the player nothing.

Sometimes moving kills me, other times it doesn't kill me. Sometimes I can collect eyes, other times they kill me. The orange thing (switch?) on the left always kills me. # of steps doesn't seem to kill me. Usually. I'm not sure. Sometimes white X's appear. What are they? Why should I care? The game doesn't tell you.

You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb here and presuppose that the core gameplay of Don't Move involves, you know, not moving, at least part of the time. But see, at least the developers of Don't Move had the common sense to put that hint directly in the title of the game. Yeah, the words "Don't Move" appear in the description of your game, but that doesn't have the same psychological impact as the title of the game.

All of this is a moot point because all you did was slap some RPG Maker sprites together, steal the gameplay from some indie game that was probably really novel when it first came out, slap a youtuber's name on it to piggyback on their popularity, and do you want to know what the worst part is? Aside from the graphics, this game has nothing to do with JackSepticEye or Evie. You could have ripped voice samples from the show and had them saying hillarious things while Jack dies over and over again, or you could have put some kinda story into the GAMEPLAY like you'd expect out of an actual RPG Maker game. But you didn't bother with any of that.

The most frustrating part about this is I know you put time and effort into making this. But the end result is just so much less than the sum of its parts. No, you know what? Take those parts, and start over. I know you can do better. Make something meaningful. Make their personalities really explode out of every aspect of the game. Not just a comic panel on the title screen for five seconds. Build a fitting tribute to Jack and Evie. I know you can do it. You have the coding all figured out. Now work on the purpose, the narrative, the meaning behind the game.

Build a goddamned experience.

Good luck.

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Back in the day Back in the day

Rated 1.5 / 5 stars

There's so much I don't understand about this game. First of all, it's impossible to tell what some of the tiny pixel art icons are supposed to be. I thought the stop sign was a crystal orb of some sort, for example. Second of all, after using the stop sign, I still had no idea what it was or why it worked. "Why would doing nothing be the answer?" "oh it's a STOP SIGN. I dunno. It worked the first time, didn't it?"

Secondly, the game relies too heavily upon cheap deaths and restarting to pad out the length of the experience. You can't even click on the right answer when you know what it is, because the placement of the right answer is always random.

The wrong answers are also random, which shoots any challenge in the foot, since all you have to do on the second attempt is click whichever one's still there. It's like they designed the game to be both confusing and exploitable.

Finally you get to the end and clicking a new icon (which doesn't look like ANYTHING) kills you and makes you start over. No. Just no. Total ragequit moment. I'm not going through all that bullshit again just so I can see what the two things that weren't cheap deaths do after the reminiscence.

In short, this game perfectly captures the essence of non-Sierra western point & click Adventure Games. By which I mean, it's confusing, random, the puzzles have stupid moon logic solutions, you'll die arbitrarily for no good reason, and you have to just randomly rub everything in the world until you're rewarded with progress.

1.5 stars for the effort and skill that went into detailing the old man's house, but low-rez pixel art should not be combined with a cutting-edge textless interface. There's a reason oldschool adventure games used text long after text-parsers went out of style. Text removes all ambiguity about what clicking a certain option will do. (At least in the mind of the protagonist.)

Also, there's a reason McPixel let you restart so quickly after dying! Watch the Extra Credits episode When Difficult Is Fun, it goes into it better than I possibly could here. And better luck with your next game.

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Monument Monument

Rated 0.5 / 5 stars

Literally 2 frames per second on my macbook. Based on my own experiments with Unity, I am sure it's fillrate-limited. Optimization would involve using simpler shaders, a smaller screen size, or both.

Mouse movement feels extremely limited if I use my actual mouse. Using a laptop's mousepad felt more natural-- a single swipe resulted in about 8x the speed of using my mouse to perform a similar swipe. I recommend adding a mouse sensitivity slider that can go down to 10% and up to 1000% to accommodate different users on different setups. This should be on a menu available with one click from the pause screen as well as the title screen.

Once I managed to pick up some shotgun shells, I walked forward into the left-hand door and turned left. It was dark so I instinctively pressed F to try and turn on my Flashlight. Nothing happened but I started taking damage. I based into the shotgun room and saw that there were two black monsters on a black background killing me. Pressed fire several times but the shotgun only fired once. Not sure which kind of lag was responsible for this death.

Overall, the game felt unplayable on my computer. If you won't optimize the graphics, how about some recommended system stats?

Note: I can play FPSes, including Unity FPSes, on this computer. I just can't play this one.

Recent Audio Reviews

-- Acidn'Bass -- -- Acidn'Bass --

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Awesome loop, reminds me of Parasite Eve 1.

...and frankly, that's all it takes to please me. :) Great job.

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X.-Hyperlogic-. X.-Hyperlogic-.

Rated 4 / 5 stars

Great happy NG fodder. :)

Nice. :) I like the melody, and the way you wove it into a larger work. The techno mumbo-jumbo that kicks in around 1:10 is nice and smooth because it's just what's expected. The same goes for the sudden quiet purity around 1:45. 2:00's almost a little too slow, but then it picks up again and the beat is great from there on out. All things considered, a nice perky techno song with some cheerful acoustic piano. Great for the credits in one of those epic clock crew blockbusters they release once in a while, or just a shiny pick-me-up on your playlist.

XenoxX responds:

Yes I like to start of a songs slow then speed up some then slow in the middle for a big finale melody then a slow ending. Its kinda a habit not sure why tho.

Thanks for the review!

B0UNC3 remix - Snakeman - B0UNC3 remix - Snakeman -

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

I needle the artist a bit, but it scales well. :P

I love me some video game remixes. This isn't quite as pure as my favorite SnakeMan aural experience, Disco Dan's incredible Get Down SnakeMan, but it covers all the bases eventually. I wasn't a huge fan of the soft lead-in, nor the rough noise, and the improv in general is a little rave-y, kinda trying to turn the song into something it's not. But I guess you gotta let the artist have fun somewhere. I did actually enjoy it when the bass came into the foreground around 1:20. Overall, this is a decent cover of a classic, on par with most of what you'd find over at Overclocked, and it's gotten me intrigued as to the artist's original music.

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