Picayune Dreams - Demo //Initialize Expectations
game.quality = vampire_survivors.quality;
game.graphics.style = graphics.BLENDER_LOWBIT
game.graphics.quality = MID_QUALITY
if(music.volume > 0){
music.quality = MEDIUM_HIGH_QUALITY
} else {
musician = "VA-11 HALL-A - Second Round [Full Album]"
music.quality = HIGH_QUALITY
}
print("Hey, everyone. Warpzone here! And welcome to my review of Picayune Dreams on Newgrounds!");
print("The first and most important thing you need to know about this game is that you should NEVER play it on Newgrounds.");
print("The free demo on Steam, availible from the link in the description, adds several key features.");
print("Such as the ability to see the whole screen at the same time,");
print("and the ability to hear the music over the sound of your computer's fans.");
print("If only the developer had given us some indication...);
print("Oh.");
print("Well, I guess that's what I get for skipping past the title screen.");
//Try out the different weapons
switch (weapon)
{
case: halo
DoConfuseWithAngelWings();
game.quality -=1;
case: angel_wings
while (enemy_distance > close_enough_to_kill_you )
enemy_distance -=1;
} else {
DieBecauseYourWeaponWontFire();
game.quality -=5;
}
case: chainbelt
if (chainbelt_damage < garlic_damage)
{
game.quality -= ( garlic_damage - chainbelt_damage);
}
case: radio_transmitter
return;
default:
if(stage > 2){
game.enemySpeed.randomize();
}
}
//Thanks to milkypossum for helping me with my switch statements. I've always struggled with pseudocode, mostly because I can never find the documentation for it online.
if (fullscreen == true){
if(played_on_newgrounds) {fullscreen = false;}
}
print("Hey, everyone. Max0r here! And welcome back to my Hacknet letsplay.");
print("The second thing you need to know about this game is how to plug in your controller.");
print("No, seriously. Playing with a controller unlocks several key features not availible without one.);
print("Features such as discovering that the game only seems hard because you've been suffering from a disability all this time.);
print("Press the right thumbstick to diagnose yourself.");
print("Then bask in the thrill of playing video games at an average level of skill for the first time in your life.");
print("It's not cheating. It's called using the accessibility options.);
print("Of course, like anyone overcoming a disability, you will need to adjust your quality-of-life espectations.);
print("To zero. Because this game doesn't DO quality-of-life.");
if (fullscreen == false && playerYmovement != 0){
CollideWithEnemyYouDidntEvenSee();
game.quality -= 100;
DownloadSteamDemo();
}
print("There wre two main categories of equippable upgrades: weapons that put more projectiles on the screen, and memes.");
print("You WILL die. A lot. And it won't always feel like it's your fault.");
print("This is intentional. Dying a lot is just central to the intended game experience.");
print("I suppose that's what happens when you balance your difficulty curve using an aimbot.");
print("Unfortunately, I found that even with my gamer skills artifically inflated to the level of a baseline human, I still struggled to complete basic game tasks.");
print("Tasks such as "Enter level 3" or "Collect all of the numbers.");
//Make obvious comparisons
game_quality += (game.characters.count - vampire_survivors.characters.count);
if (game.Contains(FiveNightsAtFreddysLore) ){
game.quality += 50;
action.Stop();
if(action.IsStopped){
game_quality -= 51;
}
}
print("The game features colorful interactions with many fascinating characters.");
print("Such as a cartoon rabbit that tells knock-knock jokes,");
print("and a second character.");
print("All of this to gradually reveal an in-depth narrative about sisyphean legalized slavery and state-funded drug abuse.")
print("So, basically a typical dayjob if you were born after 1980.");
print("The struggle is real.");
print("Trust me, it's non-addictive.);
//Complain that the game's too hard
if(first_boss_attack_phase == 3){
DieUnlessYouUseTheBlackHoleTheGameNeverTellsYouHowToUse();
game.quality -= 1000;
}
//Complain about crashes/bugs
if (stage == orchid_sleep){
BlackScreenOfDeath();
game.quality -= 10000;
}
print("I would not call this game 'fun.' I personally struggle to understand why I've played it so much.");
print("But that's probably because I personally struggle to understand how anything works in this game.");
print("Mentally choosing to believe that you have a plan somehow causes you to die.");
print("Frankly, I don't understand how they implemented this feature. But I'm glad that indie devs got to it before Big Tech.");
//Rate game w/overall score
if (game.quality < vampire_survivors.quality){
game.quit();
}
if(still_reading_this_review = true){
// I'm a little surprised nobody called me on this boolean assignment typo. I decided to keep the bug in, since it literally forces people to read this far in the review. You might call that nonsense, but it worked on you.
psuedo-code_conceit.worth_it = false;
DoBlameNewgroundsForBreakingWhitespace();
}
print("In conclusion, if you must play this, play it using the Steam demo.");
print("And try to remind yourself to come back up for air occasionally.");
print("Otherwise, like the game's protagonist, you might find yourself unable to stop playing.");
print("Freebasing health upgrades and Black Hole drills, until you literally min-max yourself to death.");
print("It's not a bug. It's a statement on the healthcare industry.");
if(devs_respond_in_kind == true){
game.quality++;
begrudgedly = true;
}
print("Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play Holocure, so I can complain that the Yagoo spam at the end is too easy.");
if(addicted_to_steam_demo_anyway){
game.quality = int(float(MAX_INT) * 0.8);
}
GRIEVOUS 
Eridani RTS 
Bunny Hop 
every wall 
Crypt Shyfter: The Blazing Knight 
Duane Crashers 
everything else 
Lockdown 
TentaCat: The Lost Lineage 
