Y'all can whup them piddlin' varmits, sho' nuff...
Well, last year was a tough one. I get set to plow the fields, n' here comes this big ol' flyin' saucer out of the sky. Chock full a' gen-u-wine extraterrestrials. Little green men. Ugly as you like, and dumber than a sack of hammers. Come down right on top of me. Well, I like t' high-tailed it back to the house as fast as Mr. John Deer could carry me. But I got turned around. Left a big ol' zig-zag path through the fields. I call up the army and the national guard, and they sent out some trucks. Asked me where I wanted 'em. I told 'em to just put 'em anywhere, and we held out for a while. Lost a whole heap of money when they asked me if I wanted to buy a stealth bomber between waves. I said, sure. Told 'em to build it between waves. Come t' find out, their idea of building a stealth bomber is to fly it overhead and just drop a whole bunch of bombs. Lost the whole crop that year.
So, this year, it looked like we was fixin' to do better. Soybeans came in early. Sent the boy out to plow th' fields. All of a sudden, he comes runnin' in the back door, yellin' about aliens. Shit, I thought, they're back again? They about wiped me out last year!
But my boy says, naw, it's okay, pop. On account o' some p'thag'rian theorm. I tole him, this ain't no time fer book learnin', I gotta call for the cavalry, and you git in the cellar. When he finally went down there, I grabbed my shotgun and went out back, ready to face those ornery bastards again.
Well, I get out there, and it's just this big line, like a Z, cut clear across my parcel and leaving a straight path to my house. Just two crop circles in all. There was something strange goin' on, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I saw that he boy had already bought a missile launcher and put it right in the middle. I sighed. Them missile launchers, see, they fire slow, so I knew there was no way it could take out all them aliens. But the money was already spent. So I just had to make do. I hunkered down and waited for the first wave.
Sho' nuff, here the martians come, walkin' in a straight line down the path. Make a right turn and cut across the field the long way. And the rocket launcher lays into 'em, but a lot of 'em get through. So then they get to the end of the long zigzag, and all they need to do is make one more right turn, and they can come get me and my family and eat my damn brains again, just like last year.
Then, and I swear to you, this is god's honest truth, the lead alien turns around and marches right back to the first bend of the path! The rocket launcher tore 'em up. The next wave came, and they went back and forth a couple of times, that one piddly rocket launcher lighting into them over and over again as they keep goin' back and forth.
My boy was at my side by this time, jumpin' up and down and tellin' me to build more rocket launchers! I looked real close and I saw now what my boy had done. There wasn't two crop circles, there was the usual number, it's just the boy had stacked 'em on top of each other so it looked like they was all in the same place. This here was a path eight times as long as my entire field from one corner to th' other, and it led the aliens back and forth in front of that same turret over and over again.
We built more rocket launchers. We upgraded 'em all the way. We called in as many stealth bombers as we liked, not that they ever did much. Eventually we come to find out there ain't no end to this game, so after cleaning up on government bounties for a while, we sold the farm and moved down to Florida. Can't say much for the view or the neighbors, but at least there's no goddamned aliens comin' down out of the sky at all hours, interferin' with a man's livelihood.
Oh, and my boy? He's drawin' triangles or some such for NORAD now. Never been more proud to have an egghead in the family.